Week 8 and 9.
It hit me hard at 2 a.m. I'm not sure if it's considered postpartum depression or just a mix of pre-existing anxiety and a lack of sleep. Whatever it is, I can't sleep and I can't stop crying. It seems that all the changes in my life just hit me at once; my fears and worries of parenting an emotional, active step-child with ADD, maintaining a marriage, and raising a newborn all just became so incredibly overwhelming. I want to run. For the past hour, I've been day dreaming (night dreaming?) of putting my 9 week old daughter in the car and driving to Rochester. I'll be safe there and I miss my cousin anyway. Plus, if I'm anywhere but here, I wont have to deal with the stress of a step-son who I worry will hurt me, or worse, my daughter when he's told he can't play video games. I wont have to worry about enjoying my time with my daughter because there will be nothing to stop me; I'll be less focused on pleasing everyone else and worrying about the stresses of every day life and more focused on my time with her. We can be safe in our little bubble and it will be glorious.
I've been feeling like I am the only one knows how to take care of my daughter. While I may seem fine, I am constantly worrying. I crave time away from her, but at the same time, I want to spend every waking minute with her. Perhaps it's still too early, after all she is only 2 months old. But what if this feeling I have is not normal? This feeling that I can't even articulate. Whatever it is, it is certainly new to me.
I am overwhelmed by feelings of protection. I worry constantly that my step-son will interfere with my ability to care for and enjoy my time with my daughter. Last weekend didn't make the feelings any better as our fun memorial day trip turned sour during what should have been a 3 hour ride home. My step-son seems incapable of sitting with his own thoughts or anything that is not video games, for more than 15 minutes. It is my own nightmare when the batteries for every electronic device die and we no longer have anything to entertain him with. And to think I went to the trouble to buy a move for him to watch during the trip. My worries turn to reality when a tantrum ensues and my first thought is that he is going to hurt my daughter who is sleeping peacefully in the backseat next to him. I am constantly watching his every move. I've never felt such greater relief then when we finally pulled into the driveway and my husband took my step-son home. At last, 2 weeks of peace before we have to do it all over again. Until of course school lets out and I will now be in charge of him while caring for a three-month old. I don't think I'll have the energy or emotional capacity to do it. I've been doing it for seven years, but now it's different. I've been blessed with a tiny human who I am absolutely enamored with. She deserves my full attention, but I know so much of my energy will be spent managing tantrums, disciplining, and trying my hardest not to just hand over a computer for 7 hours out of the day. Why me? Why should I be in charge of him. And to think my husband make a snide comment about me not making enough money. He should be grateful that as a teacher I have the summer off and can even put in the work to help take care of his child. I can feel the resentment building just writing it down. I've asked him several times to clarify the summer schedule and sign my step-son up for camp. And yet, neither of these has happened. Clearly, I am frustrated.
But, at the end of the day, I cannot let these feelings overtake the excitement and wonder that is my growing daughter. The smiles alone can make up for days of lost sleep and the frustration of every day life. Weeks 8 and 9 have been eye-opening. The improvement in sleep alone has been amazing, although I'm clearly not benefiting from it right now. My daughter is lifting her head more, smiling a ton, and I think there may be some laughs on the way. I am excited for her to meet my friends at work and my family in New York in just a few weeks. I cannot allow the stress of my step-son or my marriage to get in the way of such an amazing time in my life. I just cannot. I will do whatever it takes to make sure I have no regrets.
It hit me hard at 2 a.m. I'm not sure if it's considered postpartum depression or just a mix of pre-existing anxiety and a lack of sleep. Whatever it is, I can't sleep and I can't stop crying. It seems that all the changes in my life just hit me at once; my fears and worries of parenting an emotional, active step-child with ADD, maintaining a marriage, and raising a newborn all just became so incredibly overwhelming. I want to run. For the past hour, I've been day dreaming (night dreaming?) of putting my 9 week old daughter in the car and driving to Rochester. I'll be safe there and I miss my cousin anyway. Plus, if I'm anywhere but here, I wont have to deal with the stress of a step-son who I worry will hurt me, or worse, my daughter when he's told he can't play video games. I wont have to worry about enjoying my time with my daughter because there will be nothing to stop me; I'll be less focused on pleasing everyone else and worrying about the stresses of every day life and more focused on my time with her. We can be safe in our little bubble and it will be glorious.
I've been feeling like I am the only one knows how to take care of my daughter. While I may seem fine, I am constantly worrying. I crave time away from her, but at the same time, I want to spend every waking minute with her. Perhaps it's still too early, after all she is only 2 months old. But what if this feeling I have is not normal? This feeling that I can't even articulate. Whatever it is, it is certainly new to me.
I am overwhelmed by feelings of protection. I worry constantly that my step-son will interfere with my ability to care for and enjoy my time with my daughter. Last weekend didn't make the feelings any better as our fun memorial day trip turned sour during what should have been a 3 hour ride home. My step-son seems incapable of sitting with his own thoughts or anything that is not video games, for more than 15 minutes. It is my own nightmare when the batteries for every electronic device die and we no longer have anything to entertain him with. And to think I went to the trouble to buy a move for him to watch during the trip. My worries turn to reality when a tantrum ensues and my first thought is that he is going to hurt my daughter who is sleeping peacefully in the backseat next to him. I am constantly watching his every move. I've never felt such greater relief then when we finally pulled into the driveway and my husband took my step-son home. At last, 2 weeks of peace before we have to do it all over again. Until of course school lets out and I will now be in charge of him while caring for a three-month old. I don't think I'll have the energy or emotional capacity to do it. I've been doing it for seven years, but now it's different. I've been blessed with a tiny human who I am absolutely enamored with. She deserves my full attention, but I know so much of my energy will be spent managing tantrums, disciplining, and trying my hardest not to just hand over a computer for 7 hours out of the day. Why me? Why should I be in charge of him. And to think my husband make a snide comment about me not making enough money. He should be grateful that as a teacher I have the summer off and can even put in the work to help take care of his child. I can feel the resentment building just writing it down. I've asked him several times to clarify the summer schedule and sign my step-son up for camp. And yet, neither of these has happened. Clearly, I am frustrated.
But, at the end of the day, I cannot let these feelings overtake the excitement and wonder that is my growing daughter. The smiles alone can make up for days of lost sleep and the frustration of every day life. Weeks 8 and 9 have been eye-opening. The improvement in sleep alone has been amazing, although I'm clearly not benefiting from it right now. My daughter is lifting her head more, smiling a ton, and I think there may be some laughs on the way. I am excited for her to meet my friends at work and my family in New York in just a few weeks. I cannot allow the stress of my step-son or my marriage to get in the way of such an amazing time in my life. I just cannot. I will do whatever it takes to make sure I have no regrets.
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