Month 7
Wow. I haven't written in almost four months. I'm upset with myself because I fully intend to keep track of every week. But of course that's a new mom's wild fantasy. This not-so-new new mama understands a bit more now; how life can take over and what you once dreamed of doing is a distant memory. It feels like yesterday that we brought Z home from the hospital. The attention and excitement has long passed and we've entered into our new normal. Two full-time working parents who have less time for each other because all of their physical, mental, and emotional time is spent raising a full-time 7-month old and a part-time 8-year old. I didn't know life could be so complicated. Each phase of your life you think: "this is so hard", "I wish I could be young again", and "life used to be so easy". It makes me wonder what life will be like when I'm 40. Or (eek!) 70. Isn't it supposed to get easier? At least it's more fulfilling, but man do I crave those drunken nights in my 20s. Although I certainly don't miss the hangovers and a full day of studying.
The past four months have been the coolest. I've watched my daughter roll over, begin to babble, sit, stand, and even walk while holding on to the table. Her smile lights up my life. And despite the craziness of the day-to-day; attempting to be a good teacher and wife, all while (trying to) take care of myself, she can somehow make my day that much brighter.
We've been lucky to take a few trips in the past few months. We spent three weeks in Ocean City, Maryland with my family and my husband's mom and son. Z had her first beach visit, her first pool visit, and her first lemon! She started daycare in August and has been doing so well. I love picking her up every day and seeing what new tricks she's learned. Just this past week, she crawled from one side of the room to the other. Zulee, the daycare lady, said she had an awesome day! Later that night she hit her head and then proceeded to vomit for several hours. I was so worried she had a head injury, but after a visit to the pediatrician and the ER, we learned that it was just a stomach bug and nothing to worry about. We've been resting together for 24+ hours; sleeping and eating. It feels like I have a newborn all over again. And while I LOVE the snuggles, I hate seeing her like this. She is normally so animated and excitable and now she is just so tired. I know it will be okay, but it's hard to remind yourself of that when you're in it.
Mentally, I'm doing just okay. I know that not every day or every week is going to be perfect, but I just want to feel a sense of normalcy again. I guess I don't even know what that is anymore. My friend Lindsey and I went for a long walk and I'm realizing more and more that I am tired of making decisions based on what other people need and I need to start making decisions based on my own needs. I don't want to become resentful of other people or keep score of who does what, but I know that where I'm headed emotionally is not healthy and I need to do something about it. I'm just not sure what. I worry that postpartum depression will creep up on me, but my doctor reassured me that it (being a full-time working mom) is just hard. It felt good to hear that and, she's right, I should probably start talking to someone about it. So I think that's what I'll do.
Until next time.
Wow. I haven't written in almost four months. I'm upset with myself because I fully intend to keep track of every week. But of course that's a new mom's wild fantasy. This not-so-new new mama understands a bit more now; how life can take over and what you once dreamed of doing is a distant memory. It feels like yesterday that we brought Z home from the hospital. The attention and excitement has long passed and we've entered into our new normal. Two full-time working parents who have less time for each other because all of their physical, mental, and emotional time is spent raising a full-time 7-month old and a part-time 8-year old. I didn't know life could be so complicated. Each phase of your life you think: "this is so hard", "I wish I could be young again", and "life used to be so easy". It makes me wonder what life will be like when I'm 40. Or (eek!) 70. Isn't it supposed to get easier? At least it's more fulfilling, but man do I crave those drunken nights in my 20s. Although I certainly don't miss the hangovers and a full day of studying.
The past four months have been the coolest. I've watched my daughter roll over, begin to babble, sit, stand, and even walk while holding on to the table. Her smile lights up my life. And despite the craziness of the day-to-day; attempting to be a good teacher and wife, all while (trying to) take care of myself, she can somehow make my day that much brighter.
We've been lucky to take a few trips in the past few months. We spent three weeks in Ocean City, Maryland with my family and my husband's mom and son. Z had her first beach visit, her first pool visit, and her first lemon! She started daycare in August and has been doing so well. I love picking her up every day and seeing what new tricks she's learned. Just this past week, she crawled from one side of the room to the other. Zulee, the daycare lady, said she had an awesome day! Later that night she hit her head and then proceeded to vomit for several hours. I was so worried she had a head injury, but after a visit to the pediatrician and the ER, we learned that it was just a stomach bug and nothing to worry about. We've been resting together for 24+ hours; sleeping and eating. It feels like I have a newborn all over again. And while I LOVE the snuggles, I hate seeing her like this. She is normally so animated and excitable and now she is just so tired. I know it will be okay, but it's hard to remind yourself of that when you're in it.
Mentally, I'm doing just okay. I know that not every day or every week is going to be perfect, but I just want to feel a sense of normalcy again. I guess I don't even know what that is anymore. My friend Lindsey and I went for a long walk and I'm realizing more and more that I am tired of making decisions based on what other people need and I need to start making decisions based on my own needs. I don't want to become resentful of other people or keep score of who does what, but I know that where I'm headed emotionally is not healthy and I need to do something about it. I'm just not sure what. I worry that postpartum depression will creep up on me, but my doctor reassured me that it (being a full-time working mom) is just hard. It felt good to hear that and, she's right, I should probably start talking to someone about it. So I think that's what I'll do.
Until next time.
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