New Mama Memories

Weeks 12 and 13. Kuda and I took Z on her first long trip. We left Sunday June 25 at 4:30 pm, which was our first mistake! It took us about 8 hours to get to Rhinebeck when it really should have taken 5.5. But, we're on her time now! We stopped a few times to nurse and let out some crying. Eventually we made it around 12:30 a.m. and for some reason, it didn't bother me. You learn that things will be what they will be and you can't control that. It is a lesson I needed to learn so badly! I cannot control anything  anymore. That's not to say that I don't still try. Kymmy and Z Jenna and Z We spent the week with Grandma and Grandpa - Kuda and Grandpa went golfing a few times. Grandma and I went for a lot of walks, drank coffee and wine on the porch, and I even got to read a bit! I love visiting Rhinebeck so I can eat bagels from Bread Alone and delicious food at Matchbox. I LOVE a nice morning walk to get coffee. Z was able to meet the rest of her Moshier f...

Week 10 (I wrote this weeks ago, but had to rewrite it because my phone is acting up!) What a difference even a week or two can make. Z is 11 weeks now but week 10 was so great I didn't even write about it. I cannot believe it's been 2.5 months since I birthed this beautiful angel. She is all smiles and talking up a storm! She has taught me a lot about slowing down and enjoying the little things. I am most surprised that I seem to notice colors more. It is the strangest thing... trees are greener, the sky is bluer (more blue??). Z is still waking up very often. Mama is exhausted and looking forward to even a straight 4 hours of sleep. Right now I get 1-3 hours at a time. Thank God for coffee! At the end of the day the lack of sleep is definitely worth it. I am so in love.

Week 8 and 9. It hit me hard at 2 a.m. I'm not sure if it's considered postpartum depression or just a mix of pre-existing anxiety and a lack of sleep. Whatever it is, I can't sleep and I can't stop crying. It seems that all the changes in my life just hit me at once; my fears and worries of parenting an emotional, active step-child with ADD, maintaining a marriage, and raising a newborn all just became so incredibly overwhelming. I want to run. For the past hour, I've been day dreaming (night dreaming?) of putting my 9 week old daughter in the car and driving to Rochester. I'll be safe there and I miss my cousin anyway. Plus, if I'm anywhere but here, I wont have to deal with the stress of a step-son who I worry will hurt me, or worse, my daughter when he's told he can't play video games. I wont have to worry about enjoying my time with my daughter because there will be nothing to stop me; I'll be less focused on pleasing everyone else and wor...

Week 7. I can't believe it's been 8 weeks since this little one was born. It seems like yesterday but also feels like it was so long ago. Every day had been an adventure and I'm enjoying watching her do new things every day. As she explores her little voice, I wonder how her personality will develop and at the same time I cannot imagine her being any bigger than she is now. Motherhood is strange like that. I want it all - I want her to sleep, but I also want to spend time with her awake. I want her to meet new milestones but I want to freeze time. I want her to need me forever but I also want her to be the amazing, independent woman she is destined to become. I feel emotional thinking about all the changes there are to come and I feel an intense wave of sadness thinking there will come a time that I'm not the only person she will need in her life. The thought of something happening to her scares me to no end and is heightened by my anxiety. In one of my first posts ...

Weeks five and six.  I have been thinking about this post for a few days now (which has turned into weeks because I haven't had a chance to sit down!).... The idea of how discomfort applies to motherhood. In life, I believe how successful you feel depends on how well you cope with being uncomfortable. There are many areas in my life where I have felt, or feel, uncomfortable. For me, I feel uncomfortable with the unknown. I remember my first few years teaching and coaching (new jobs), often worrying what others thought and questioning if I was doing a good job. Establishing new friendships has always been difficult for me because, despite my confident demeanor, inside I wonder how others perceive what I say and how I say it. I've always struggled with physical changes; if something new happens to my body, I need to know what it is.  And in the era of social media, I will spend many hours Googling, looking for answers or just others who can relate to my discomfort. Or, when...

Week four.  To my husband: I never fully anticipated the range of emotions I would go through after having our daughter. I saw you in a new light and felt truly loved for the first time in a long while. It's not that I didn't feel loved before our daughter arrived, but like most marriages, we had lost touch and had sunk into a mundane routine that was comfortable for both of us. When I went into labor, it was clear that you loved me. Perhaps for the first time, you saw me in pain and knew that I was sacrificing my body for something we had worked hard for. When she was born you willingly did anything for me from making me breakfast and bringing me Starbucks to reassuring me that I was doing a good job, especially with breastfeeding. Two weeks later, you returned to work and I set off on my own to keep our child alive while at the same time trying to maintain my own sanity. You sent me daily texts letting me know how much you appreciate me and asking me what you can do. W...