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Wanting it All

Week 7.
I can't believe it's been 8 weeks since this little one was born. It seems like yesterday but also feels like it was so long ago. Every day had been an adventure and I'm enjoying watching her do new things every day. As she explores her little voice, I wonder how her personality will develop and at the same time I cannot imagine her being any bigger than she is now.

Motherhood is strange like that. I want it all - I want her to sleep, but I also want to spend time with her awake. I want her to meet new milestones but I want to freeze time. I want her to need me forever but I also want her to be the amazing, independent woman she is destined to become.

I feel emotional thinking about all the changes there are to come and I feel an intense wave of sadness thinking there will come a time that I'm not the only person she will need in her life. The thought of something happening to her scares me to no end and is heightened by my anxiety.

In one of my first posts I talked about "enjoying what is". I find that I'm still struggling with this. And I know it's because of my constant need to be prepared for every scenario. When will I learn that I can't possibly be prepared for everything? After all, there is no way I was fully prepared for birth, post partum or early motherhood.

The challenge I'd like to give myself is the following:

1) Focus on the positive.
2) Stop trying to find a reason for everything.
3) Work with what I have. Getting advice from others is great but my child is not the same as their child. What works for them might not work for me.
4) Realize how lucky I am.
5) And last, but certainly not least. Stop Googling shit. It'll only make my anxiety that much worse.

I'll continue to enjoy every smile, coo and hi I get from my favorite little girl.

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