Week three.
"I can't do this anymore" I said as I practically tossed our 3 week old baby at my husband at three a.m. Our daughter had been nursing non-stop for almost three hours at this point. Each night I have gone to bed with a positive outlook; Z will sleep for a few hours, she'll nurse then go right back to bed, and we'll all wake up at 8 o'clock feeling restful! My mom had warned me that having expectations as a new mom would be to my detriment, but I thought by being positive that maybe I could control the situation. Not so much.
I finally gave in at 3:30, brought my daughter downstairs and turned on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, which, thank God, is always on TV. She nursed one last time and we finally fell asleep at 4 a.m. - me snug on the couch, my feet touching the poop stain Z had left on the couch the day before, and Z cradled in my boppy pillow to prevent her from falling off the couch. Sure, this wasn't ideal. I'd rather she be swaddled in her co-sleeper, enjoying the noise machine I bought just for her. But I'm learning that you cannot control anything when it comes to being a new mom. I woke up this morning feeling positive yet again. Breastfeeding would surely be better and less painful today. I mean, I did finally get Z to sleep last night, so shouldn't I be rewarded? Not so fast new mom. It doesn't work like that.
Yet again, we struggled with nursing throughout the day. Z cried, I cried. This is too painful and if I can't breastfeed, how am I ever going to feed my daughter. I tried pumping, but even that was painful and after producing less than 0.5 oz, I was feeling drained and incapable of being a mom. Because being a mom should be natural. Nursing shouldn't be painful, I should connect with her every day and on every level, and I should always be happy - having a baby, after all, is the best thing I have ever done in my life.
But then reality hit. If I was this stressed then Z would be stressed. And motherhood is certainly not always going to be easy. I believe that the pain of childbirth prepared me for the challenges motherhood has to offer. But what I really need to understand is that it's OK for things to not be easy. I am not a bad mother because breastfeeding hasn't been enjoyable. I am not a bad mother because I wanted to return my daughter at 3 in the morning. And I am not a bad mother because I haven't felt connected to her every second of every day.
After crying (rather, weeping) for over an hour, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and decided to change my mindset. Relax, take a bath, and start over. I didn't need to wait until Monday or the perfect moment to try again. I needed to start now so that I could be the mom I want to be for my daughter. I deleted the baby tracking app on my phone, committed to stop "Googling" and reading article after article about what motherhood is supposed to be like, and took a deep breath. Sure enough, the next nursing session felt more natural and relaxing, Z didn't fuss during her diaper change, and I felt connected to her for the first time in several days.
I still anticipate that tonight and most nights will be challenging. But I will try much harder not to resist her needs and will stop focusing on would should be and focus more on what is. I have learned more in the 3 weeks as a mother than I have learned in a long time. It's amazing that such a little thing who can't walk or talk can teach so much. And as she lays here asleep in my arms, I will enjoy what is. Because the one thing I can be certain of, is that in 5 hours she'll be up partying wanting to spend time with her mommy and daddy.
"I can't do this anymore" I said as I practically tossed our 3 week old baby at my husband at three a.m. Our daughter had been nursing non-stop for almost three hours at this point. Each night I have gone to bed with a positive outlook; Z will sleep for a few hours, she'll nurse then go right back to bed, and we'll all wake up at 8 o'clock feeling restful! My mom had warned me that having expectations as a new mom would be to my detriment, but I thought by being positive that maybe I could control the situation. Not so much.
I finally gave in at 3:30, brought my daughter downstairs and turned on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, which, thank God, is always on TV. She nursed one last time and we finally fell asleep at 4 a.m. - me snug on the couch, my feet touching the poop stain Z had left on the couch the day before, and Z cradled in my boppy pillow to prevent her from falling off the couch. Sure, this wasn't ideal. I'd rather she be swaddled in her co-sleeper, enjoying the noise machine I bought just for her. But I'm learning that you cannot control anything when it comes to being a new mom. I woke up this morning feeling positive yet again. Breastfeeding would surely be better and less painful today. I mean, I did finally get Z to sleep last night, so shouldn't I be rewarded? Not so fast new mom. It doesn't work like that.
Yet again, we struggled with nursing throughout the day. Z cried, I cried. This is too painful and if I can't breastfeed, how am I ever going to feed my daughter. I tried pumping, but even that was painful and after producing less than 0.5 oz, I was feeling drained and incapable of being a mom. Because being a mom should be natural. Nursing shouldn't be painful, I should connect with her every day and on every level, and I should always be happy - having a baby, after all, is the best thing I have ever done in my life.
But then reality hit. If I was this stressed then Z would be stressed. And motherhood is certainly not always going to be easy. I believe that the pain of childbirth prepared me for the challenges motherhood has to offer. But what I really need to understand is that it's OK for things to not be easy. I am not a bad mother because breastfeeding hasn't been enjoyable. I am not a bad mother because I wanted to return my daughter at 3 in the morning. And I am not a bad mother because I haven't felt connected to her every second of every day.
After crying (rather, weeping) for over an hour, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and decided to change my mindset. Relax, take a bath, and start over. I didn't need to wait until Monday or the perfect moment to try again. I needed to start now so that I could be the mom I want to be for my daughter. I deleted the baby tracking app on my phone, committed to stop "Googling" and reading article after article about what motherhood is supposed to be like, and took a deep breath. Sure enough, the next nursing session felt more natural and relaxing, Z didn't fuss during her diaper change, and I felt connected to her for the first time in several days.
I still anticipate that tonight and most nights will be challenging. But I will try much harder not to resist her needs and will stop focusing on would should be and focus more on what is. I have learned more in the 3 weeks as a mother than I have learned in a long time. It's amazing that such a little thing who can't walk or talk can teach so much. And as she lays here asleep in my arms, I will enjoy what is. Because the one thing I can be certain of, is that in 5 hours she'll be up partying wanting to spend time with her mommy and daddy.
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